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Mum's Definitions
In view of the recent arrivals, this might be useful.
AEROPLANE: What Mum impersonates to get a one year old to eat strained vegetables.
ALIEN: What Mum would think had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for buns and cakes.
BABY: 1. Dad, when he gets a cold. 2. Mum's youngest child, even if he's 42.
BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mum) to be self-cleaning.
BECAUSE: Mum's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.
BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.
CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mum always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.
COOK: 1. Act of preparing food for consumption. 2. Mum's other name.
COUCH POTATO: What Mum finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.
DATE: Infrequent outings where Mum and Dad can enjoy worrying about the kids while in a different setting.
DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.
DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."
EAR: A place where kids store dirt.
EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.
EMPTY NEST: See"WISHFUL THINKING."
ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
"EXCUSE ME": One of Mum's favourite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.
EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mum, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.
FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home later at night than they hould have done.
FOOD: The response Mum usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"
FROZEN: 1. A type of food. 2. How hell will be when Mum lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.
GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mum's kids.
GUM: Adhesive for the hair and carpet.
HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilised in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.
HINDSIGHT: What Mum experiences from changing too many diapers.
ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the damned things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mum has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.
"I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mum.
JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.
JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.
"JEEEEEEEEZ!": Slang for "Gee Mum, isn't there anything else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?"
JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.
JUNK: Dad's stuff.
KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goo kids use to drown the dish that Mum spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.
KISS: Mum medicine.
LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.
LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mum buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15p.
Cheers, Nick (father of four)
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