Well the one with van is an open and shut case of he is better off.
He should just get the police to do her for criminal damage, have one more go with her for auld time and then give her the boot.
Can you imagine if he failed to please her during you know what...
Its the Bobbit for you my lad....., he could wake up wih his "head" betwen his ears, he obviously has nothing else between them.
No Offence intended